reality of lions

that awkward moment when you choke on your own spit

strangershavecaughton:

I don’t mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes

Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You’ll never know just how you look
Through other peoples eyes

So my quest for sexy has gone rather well so far, but I really need to take it to the next level, unfortunately, this means I need to divert more of time to it. My problem is I have the time, but I have a long to do list that I avoid. I can’t justify do something productive if there is some other productive activity of greater importance that I should doing. So instead I do something unproductive, waste my time.

So I need to banish my long to do list, it has been hanging over me for too long!!! 
For starters: midterms this week. And then a rather large homework assignment due next week. After that, in order to make sure my to do list doesn’t grow further, I will need to stay on top of my other activities as well. Go to every class, keep up with the class readings, start going to yoga again. We’ll start with that, and then when I have legitimate free time, I will have to work on my to do list. 

I should also note, that unwritten additions to the to do list are anything thats me out of my studio!!! Seeing friends, going for a walk are all perfectly acceptable. Playing Skyrim with no pants on can be sexy, but I have mastered that arena, time to polish off some other sexy attributes.

That is how much I weighed yesterday!! Making progress!! Let’s bring on the bikinis this summer!

I have to admit, I cheated a bit today, I had some pork bao for lunch, which isn’t the worst thing in the world, but I definitely could have picked something better. On the upside, I did a fair bit of walking today, so yay!

I have decided to embark on a quest, in true science fiction fantasy fashion of course. I am searching for my sexy. I was video chatting with my guy friend, get a little frisky, and he asked me: if I was going to try and be sexy for him, how would I do it? I had no idea! I have a very small arsenal of tricks, and I’m learning as I go. The major issue is, sexy is not an adjective I would use when describing myself. 
This also comes at the same time as I have hit a major weight loss, I have finally dropped below 140 pounds, when a year ago I was most likely closer to 160. I want to love my body, I want to be nice to body, because if I treat it well, it will love me back. So I realized, the end goal of all of my efforts, to find the pinnacle of confidence that comes with feeling sexy. 
Don’t get me wrong, I do not hate my appearance by any means, especially since I have made such stupendous progress in the last few months, I am a very confident person in general, but I think there is room for improvement, I just want to reach the top of the mountain.
I am also hoping to find the right balance between sexy and modest, I do not want to turn my appearance into a tool for attracting men, or women. It should elevate me, give people a positive first impression, catch their interest, and then I can blow them away with my incredible personality and intelligence.

i have this jumbled up thought ball stuck in my head, a couple parts, all related, i feel like i can’t talk about one without the others so i’ll try and sort it all out

it was a rough year for me on the whole, and its been a rough few years for the people in my life as well, who i care most about
i have a few close friends, but i rarely see them, who knows if they even consider me as good a friend as i would them, i have so few, i have no one else, and i cherish them, would do anything for them, love them
but even when i’m a good friend, not all friends know how to love back i have discovered
but that has not been the issue recently, for i have not been a good friend, i have been an absent friend, an always there when you need me, all you need to do is ask, but i’m usually not within hearing distance
i miss my friends dearly, but circumstances have conpsired against me, and i have decided that is order to be a good friend, i have to be a good person, and i have spent the last year putting my own happiness first, so that i can make myself into a steady woman
it has not been without sacrifices, always on my mind is my lack of contact with other humans, to put it bluntly, even more specifically with my friends, its been so long since with relaxed and had fun together, they are always there, they are still my friends, but its not as easy

i have not been alone though, and in this i had a moment of clarity, or understanding, while i was unable to maintain my friendships, i still had my family, my perserverant mother, my sturdy father my darling sister, my not so baby brother, relationships that don’t need maintenance, friends who i can call up at any time, and they are always on my team, my side, in my corner, and most importantly who can always put up with the fact that i talk WAY too much sometimes (in an insufferable rambling manner)
i realized how difficult life would be without them, especially this past year, in one moment, i understood how different my life could be without them, they could not be replaced, substituted or imitated, especially my parents, because for some crazy reason, the only reason they seem to do anything is because they love me, and i have been so blessed to be stuck with my family (it goes both ways you see, i have to be there for them too!!)

many people who know me well have heard me say that one thing i hate most is being told ‘you don’t understand’ or ‘you wouldn’t understand’ and i mean this is the context of ‘blah blah, i’m so depressed my life issues are so terrible, sorrows sorrow blah’ and i say i’m so sorry, i understand’ to which they replying with one of the above statements in a condescending, how could ever possibly start to fathom what i’m going through sort of manner
obviously i cannot mirror exactly what you are going through, DUH but i understand pain, heart break, sadness, stop turning life into a big, “whose life is worse?” game show of sorts

the other day, i think i understood what it would be like to have not have my family, no parents, and to everyone who does, i want to say, i am so sorry, i have come as close as one can to truly understanding what you have gone through, i have not walked a mile in your shoes, but i appreciate what you have missed and i do not take for granted what i have
but i cannot say that to them, i’m not sure they would like it very much, life is unfair and its not fun being reminded